mister X online

Words can’t do this justice…let’s just say that the guys that used to do commercials for WGPR must have moved to Montgomery.

On the one hand, I’m glad the cellphone industry is advancing to the point where even the most technophobic luddite of a citizen will basically have a computer on their hip. Under the guise of simple communication and mindless entertainment, the next generation of Black folks are learning the basics of computing everyday, something that will be a requirement for the working future (even coming close to being required at McDonald’s today, fer cripes sakes). I find this encouraging, for in a way I see it as a back-door solution to the “digital divide” issue.

I just wish we didn’t have to come in through the slave’s quarters, shuckin’ and jivin’ all the way.

Give a n*gga an inch, he thinks he’s a ruler; give a ni*gga rope, he thinks he’s a cowboy and give a n*gga a smartphone and he thinks he’s Donald Trump, Gordon Gekko, Bill Gates and Casey Kasem all in one…and he’d like to share with you.

A few pet-peeves about today’s inner city cellphone use:

1 – Ringstones don’t need extended remixes
If the phone I grew up with rang continously for 30 seconds straight every time somebody called, I’d be more bat-shit insane than I am. Yes, I’m sure Pretty Ricky and Soulja Boyl are talented fellows, but who said I wanted to hear them at just this moment; univited to my ears and coming through a speaker that makes me pine for the days of AM radio. Your phone is not my Ipod – keep that shit to yourself.

2 – Stop f*ckin’ chirpin’!!!
If you’re on a construction site, you might need to chirp. If you’re a forest ranger, you may need to chirp. Even if the building where you work has only two floors you could perhaps find a reason to chirp, but when you ride a city bus or stand in line at the liqour store, you don’t need to MUTHAF#@kin’ chirp! Oh, thank you for sharing-as if hearing your loud, cussin’, inconsiderate-of-those-around-you-ASS! half of the conversation wasn’t enthralling enough, now I get hear your debate partner in rich, tinny monaural sound as you expound upon “that bitch that sucked your d*ck last night”. Ah, more eloquent than James Baldwin, my life is now complete-thank you Nextel.

3 – Did radios just stop working and I missed it?
IT’S A PHONE. Did somebody jack the sounds in your grip or did you forget that a digital radio costs like $10 at Best Buy and even comes with headphones? And that compressed streaming sound coming out of a speaker the size of my nostril really captures the bass…

4 – Outgoing ringtones
Reverse engineering at it’s most insipid…I ain’t waiting to leave a message, and f*ck you for making me hear even a millisecond of “Chicken Noodle Soup”, bitch.

4 – BORG don’t get p*ssy
If you’re in a loud-ass club or bar, turn off the flashing bluetooth. You can get ‘em at the gas station now and what was expensive & “cool” a year ago is something even the nerds in highschool have-it’s the 21st century equivalent of the guy in 1990 who paged himself so he’d have an excuse to whip out his Motorola Bravo. But on a side note, why are we rushing towards the cyborg age with this body-interface shit? Last year it was headsets, this year it’s bluetooth, next year it’ll be platinum fronts with wi-fi and Glocks with USB ports. However, I am glad that bluetooth headsets will eventually contribute to driver safety, since you n*ggas on the phone don’t be paying attention and for that I’m grateful…

If only I could get you to stop watching your bootleg of “I am Legend” on the DVD player in your dashboard while driving I’d be straight, but that’s a blog entry for another day.

X
(…who’s only ringtones are “Bitch Betta Have My Money” by AMG and Darth Vader’s theme for my boss)